Why Boundary-Setting Can be Difficult and How to Improve Setting Your Boundaries
The word “boundaries” is often a buzzword in therapy. We talk about them in relation to friendships, relationships, at work, with families and even within ourselves. But for many people, boundaries feel disrespectful and rude while also stirring up feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and guilt. So - let’s talk about why it’s so difficult to actually set and communicate boundaries - and how we can begin to set boundaries that honor both your needs and others around us.
Why Boundary-Setting Can Feel Overwhelming
Humans are wired to connect with others
As humans, we are social beings who crave a sense of belonging and connection with others. Sometimes, setting boundaries and saying no to others can feel like a risk to this sense of connection - even when it may be necessary to do so.
Early messages can shape our beliefs
If we grew up with messages from others about putting others first and that we should always be kind, these messages can make setting boundaries feel disrespectful or rude; however, boundary setting can be a way to respect yourself.
We don’t always know our boundaries until they are crossed
Boundaries are often figured out when we feel disrespected or uncomfortable with what someone else may have done to us. In these situations, you may not realize that you need boundaries until you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed with others in your life. That emotional tension you feel can be a sign to yourself that something may need to change.
So, how do we go about setting healthy boundaries?
Self-Compassion is Key
Boundary setting can feel hard - especially if you are new to it and not used to doing it. If it feels like this, that’s okay. Remember that you are learning and acknowledge that you have the right to have needs and limits.
Tune into your body’s signals.
Your body can often send you signals, even before your mind has given you these signals. Notice when you feel tense, exhausted or irritable. These signs can indicate that a boundary may need to be set.
Communicate clearly and kindly
Boundaries do not have to be communicated harshly. You can say no, while also respecting the wants or needs of the other person. For example, saying “I care about you but I also need space” can feel much different than communicating “I need space from you”.
Practice communicating boundaries in a safe space
Start small and set boundaries in low-stakes situations. If there are certain people in your life that you feel more comfortable with setting boundaries with, practice with these people first as you work to gain more confidence and can prepare you for more emotionally charged conversations.
You may feel uncomfortable before you feel comfortable
It’s normal to feel awkward and guilty when you’re first learning to set boundaries. That doesn’t mean that you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re trying something new - which can always feel uncomfortable. Over time, boundary setting becomes less about confrontation but more about clarity and care.
Final Thoughts
Setting healthy boundaries do not cause isolation and they do not push people away. Rather, they support you in feeling more connected to the people around you. They help us show up in our relationships in a more authentic, respectful way. If you find yourself struggling with setting boundaries, therapy can be a powerful place to explore your old patterns, practice new skills and help you feel more aligned with your wants and needs.
You deserve relationships that honor your sense of well-being. If you’re ready to explore what boundary-setting can look like in your life, we’re here to walk alongside you on this journey - one step at a time.
Samantha Burns, MA, LPC
Samantha is the administrative assistant for Flourish Counseling & Wellness. Samantha is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado and enjoys working with adolescents and young adults who are experiencing challenges with trauma, depression and anxiety.