Attachment Styles Explained: How Trauma Shapes Relationships and How to Heal

What are attachment styles? 

Attachment style refers to the type of bonds we were taught to form with key people in our lives. It starts when we are children, with our primary caregivers, and often shows up later in life in our adult relationships. 

Secure attachment

If your physical and emotional needs were consistently met, healthy attachment tends to form in a child’s behavior. A responsive and tuned-in parent helps create a child who has appropriate responsive behavior. As an adult, youre likely to be more accepting, direct, and open in your relationships. You don’t become easily defensive, don’t take things personally, and are responsive to your partner's needs. 

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment often shows up in kids who experience distress when they cannot be with their caregivers and aren’t comforted when the caregiver returns. If a caregiver is not able to meet or be responsive to a child’s needs, the child begins to become anxious. This shows up in adult relationships by attempting to combat anxiety by manipulation, attention-seeking behavior, or acting out emotionally to illicit a response. 


Avoidant attachment

Avoidant attachment shows up in kids who feel that they have lost their security in their environment or caregiver. They no longer display emotion when their caregiver leaves or returns, and value independence. As an adult, this style shows up by wanting a degree of separation from their partners, protecting freedom, avoiding commitment, and ensuring a comfortable mental distance in their relationships. 

Disorganized attachment

Disorganized attachment happens when children display a threat response in regard to their caregiver. There are inconsistencies in their care, and the joy of their caregiver leaving and returning. As adults, they have hot and cold type behavior. They seek out love and reject it. There is a pattern of push and pull with their partners, increasing the distrust in their relationship.

What does all this mean?

These are observations, a gathering of information, and an explanation for you to help identify patterns in your life. Having more information about the why behind your interactions and feelings can help you feel more in control of your life and relationships. 

Therapy is a great place to start if you find that your attachment style is causing distress in your relationships. You can work towards raising your self-esteem, learning how to speak up for what you need/want, and honoring your own feelings and needs. 

In therapy, you can work on learning how to resolve conflict, self-soothe when anxious or avoidant, and practice self-acceptance. 

The journey to security and self-growth is not always easy, but it is always worth it. 

Sources

Williams, Chloe. (2021). How to change your attachment style and your relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202104/how-change-your-attachment-style-and-your-relationships

Early Childhood Attachment Styles: What Parents and Professionals Should Know. (2026). Zero to Three. https://www.zerotothree.org/resource/attachment-styles-in-early-childhood-what-parents-and-professionals-should-know/ 


Attachment Styles. (2023). Cleveland Clinic.https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/25170-attachment-styles

Anna Grace, Clinical Intern

Anna Grace is a Clinical Intern, completing her Masters Degree in Clinical Counseling at Bellevue University. Anna Grace is on track to be a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado.

She loves to work with adults, young adults, and teens navigating anxiety, life’s transitions, interpersonal relationship challenges, and maternal mental health. Her approach is holistic and integrative, acknowledging the complexity of human existence.

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